What a long, long time before I write to this blog again. It is a blog, not a scheduled posts, like my other busy blog, which I am now trying to tone it down only to have my own private time.
All of my ramblings this time I could relate to the 1st episode of How I Met Your Mother, season 07, which I ironically just saw this January. Perfect timing. And Ted’s words was like my own words when he said,
“..I stop believing. Not in some depressed-I’m-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in the way I even noticed until tonight. It’s just..everyday I think I believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less.”
Bummer. I hadn’t noticed that before I saw the episode. In New Year’s Eve, all I could felt was sad and I want to cry. Why? Because 2011 has crushed me down like a sledge hammer. I know I made it through the hard days, but if it comes back again, I think I’m going to fall down like sands.
I hadn’t noticed it until yesterday, that I was sinking. I’m in the same place like 5 years ago. I might be experienced now, but I am now on bitter land. Yes, bitter land. Two years ago, I was a believer. I even started the blog focusing on positivity on movies, combining my two much interests; philosophy and movies. But what do I get after several years? Bitter.
The truth is, I tried hundred of times to get back again. But I keep slipping, lose focus. And even though I am busy, still it feels like I’m going nowhere. Thanks for HIMYM for stating that. Many of HIMYM episodes were like my own life. I need to change. I just have to change. I can’t ever bargain on my sanity, my creativity, the feeling of alive again. There’s no question on that. I can’t lose myself even further than this. I have to be back again, like me couple of years ago. Full of spirit and creativity. Because deep inside of me, there’s still that girl with the world on her hands.
What makes me bitter and lose focus is, that my energy was always draining every week. And I keep doing things because I think I have to, because I don’t want to disappoint someone or because I want to make a good impression. What a load of bullshit. Since nothing has changed over the years, I should know better.
But I think I reached the point where I just need to go someplace new. Not just by saying. Not just by writing the letters of encouragement. Not just by writing this post. I just need to do something. Otherwise, I’ll dry out like in the peak of the hot sun in the desert.
I refuse to be washed down over life. Because I only have one life. And it has to be meaningful.
Just like Robin said after Ted confessed to her, “..You’ll start believing again.”