Adios, Bitter Land

What a long, long time before I write to this blog again. It is a blog, not a scheduled posts, like my other busy blog, which I am now trying to tone it down only to have my own private time.

All of my ramblings this time I could relate to the 1st episode of How I Met Your Mother, season 07, which I ironically just saw this January. Perfect timing. And Ted’s words was like my own words when he said,

“..I stop believing. Not in some depressed-I’m-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in the way I even noticed until tonight. It’s just..everyday I think I believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less.”

Bummer. I hadn’t noticed that before I saw the episode. In New Year’s Eve, all I could felt was sad and I want to cry. Why? Because 2011 has crushed me down like a sledge hammer. I know I made it through the hard days, but if it comes back again, I think I’m going to fall down like sands.

I hadn’t noticed it until yesterday, that I was sinking. I’m in the same place like 5 years ago. I might be experienced now, but I am now on bitter land. Yes, bitter land. Two years ago, I was a believer. I even started the blog focusing on positivity on movies, combining my two much interests; philosophy and movies. But what do I get after several years? Bitter.

The truth is, I tried hundred of times to get back again. But I keep slipping, lose focus. And even though I am busy, still it feels like I’m going nowhere. Thanks for HIMYM for stating that. Many of HIMYM episodes were like my own life. I need to change. I just have to change. I can’t ever bargain on my sanity, my creativity, the feeling of alive again. There’s no question on that. I can’t lose myself even further than this. I have to be back again, like me couple of years ago. Full of spirit and creativity. Because deep inside of me, there’s still that girl with the world on her hands.

What makes me bitter and lose focus is, that my energy was always draining every week. And I keep doing things because I think I have to, because I don’t want to disappoint someone or because I want to make a good impression. What a load of bullshit. Since nothing has changed over the years, I should know better.

But I think I reached the point where I just need to go someplace new. Not just by saying. Not just by writing the letters of encouragement. Not just by writing this post. I just need to do something. Otherwise, I’ll dry out like in the peak of the hot sun in the desert.

I refuse to be washed down over life. Because I only have one life. And it has to be meaningful.

Just like Robin said after Ted confessed to her, “..You’ll start believing again.”

{ one thought before …. }

it suppose to be peaceful, and I want to be in peace.

though there’s a big question in my mind now, for almost a week

and it has cost two broken souls, and (please) no more

it has occured to me that things always happen for a reason

that sometimes when my bones are filled with anger and sadness,

no matter how hard I tried to lift it up,

it always comes back because I meant to be in that state,

to look over past it and become once again in peace

it has also occured to me that I was always fighting for acceptance

while it should not have been done,

because acceptance

belongs inside of me,

belongs to God

and belongs to the people I care about

at this point I know it doesn’t matter anymore

why you do what you do to me

because it has made me do what should I have done for a long time

to go out from my coccoon

note.to.self

….suatu ketika ada seorang gadis yang belajar untuk menikmati hidup. dulu ia begitu menuntut, begitu idealis, terjebak dengan tuntutan hidup. kemudian ia lelah dengan siklus yang selalu sama. dan bersamaan dengan bertambahnya umur ia kemudian mulai melihat segala sesuatu dengan kacamata yang lebih jernih. ia mulai mencari sesuatu yang ia senangi tanpa ada iming-iming selain dari perasaan bahagia. ia temukan itu dan hal itu membuatnya semakin menghargai hidup. kebahagiaan itu terpancar dari kesehariannya, hubungannya dengan orang-orang semakin baik, performa kerjanya pun semakin bagus. ia menikmati hidupnya dan merasa ia tak perlu apapun untuk melengkapi hidupnya selain dari perasaan bersyukur.

melihat performa kerja yang baik, ia dicalonkan untuk jenjang pekerjaan yang lebih tinggi. mendengar kesempatan itu si gadis memompa performa kerja, agar ia semakin kuat sebagai calon. namun semakin kuat ia memacu dirinya, tetap terasa tidak selapang sebelumnya. ia gampang merasa lelah, dan tidak bahagia. bekerja pun sebatas ingin mendapatkan pujian. waktunya tiba, dan ternyata ia belum mendapat kesempatan seperti yang dijanjikan.

Ia merenung dan kemudian ia tersadar, bahwa tujuan ia bekerja telah berbelok demi mengejar jabatan. tentu tidak selapang sebelumnya, ketika ia bekerja tanpa beban dan menikmatinya karena hidup adalah serangkaian kegiatan yang penuh berkelimpahan.

blinded by the light and you forget the purpose of what you’re doing.

it’s been so long

Hi, sudah agak lama nggak main ke blog ini.

lagi ngabisin sisa cuti nih tapi gak jelas ngapain. cuti tanpa planning khusus sebenarnya bukan hal yang bagus ^^’ tapi yah mau gimana lagi, cutinya mau angus dan nggak bisa diduitin.

so what’s new?

  • I am now a blackberry user. I once against it, but after several disappointments with my latest phones I decided it’s just easier in cash and access with blackberry. I know some people will say ‘boo’ to me, tp jaman skarang ini kita mesti cari yang menggampangkan, bukan yang menyusahkan ya kan? I still love apple though. Who wouldn’t love function and design in one package? Sayang disini provider iphone bener-bener bikin miskin X) I am perfectly aware that I have access to always update news in social networks, but I decided to only update until it really necessary too. I shut down facebook notification because I want to be at peace….. 🙂
  • I think truthfully I am aware I have passed my early 20’s phase. It was joyful and fun, adventurous but at the same time, clueless and naive. I still a little clueless now, but I have a little faith that good things will come anyways if you don’t get what you want. God knows better.
  • Something shifted, and I have no idea how I got here. I have this best friend (at least I thought of her as my close friend) who suddenly felt so far away. Not so suddenly. She falls in love with a guy, told me her stories with him and then when she finally be his girlfriend, it’s like she’s gone to another island. Hey, girl remember me? You told me stories about this guy that no one knows, and now you acted like I was a regular friend. I know she’s busy, but she never call or text (unless it’s lunch, and when we eat together she talks to another friend) or message me in ym. So cruel. There’s this quote I remember reading today :   Well, I miss her really but I gotta say you stomp on my ego. So I’m not really eager to bother to say much to you other than regular ‘hi’. Maybe God purposely do this to let us expand our networks to other people.

so that’s all for now…. I do miss writing in here.

rambling

maaf sekali udah agak lama nggak menyentuh blank page blog ini. the truth is akhir2 ini saya terombang-ambing rutinitas. tiap hari kayaknya cepet banget, dan banyak sekali yang mesti dilakuin. I got overwhelmed.

pada saat yang sama cuaca Jakarta sangat ga ramah, especially waktu jam pulangnya. hari senin kemarin saya ngabisin 2,5 jam di jalan menuju rumah. untungnya saya berusaha mikir positif, berusaha nggak memasukkan kekesalan terlalu dalam. besoknya, ada pekerjaan yang lumayan menyita pikiran saya. ditambah dengan persoalan-persoalan perintilan yang bikin saya bingung sendiri. akhirnya badan nge-drop dan udah 2 hari ini saya istirahat di rumah.

I can’t fully describe what happen to me lately. I still a little bit confused. There are new changes in life, there are new friends but I also take a more deeper look with my other close friends. I guess in certain amount time, you start seeing someone in a big picture. You see all of their layers and you finally get their flaws. I am not a saint, I have flaws. The only thing that bugged me is when people start taking someone for granted. I tried not to judge, but as a friend, who cares, judge is there to help you back on track. But maybe it is enough for us to get close. I mean, I see them everyday in three years. In work environment, there are certain polite culture not to reveal so much. So there are more pressure.

Nothing good can came from feeling negative inside. I just want to flush out the negatives and feel positive energy again inside, just focus on the greatness in life.

re-rajut

ternyata berusaha merajut kembali apa yang sudah tercerai berai tidak mudah

sedalam apa, itu yang jadi pertanyaan

kepercayaan yang awalnya begitu sederhana, sekarang dihantui oleh kesalahan masa lalu

bulan-Mu sudah lewat

aku bertemu dengan damai-Mu

dan aku berharap bisa merangkulnya hingga lama

dan amarah hanya milik-Mu

apakah harmoni hanya asap yang akan pudar

dreams and reality

kita semua punya mimpi. waktu kecil hingga kuliah beberapa dari kita yang punya gambaran mimpi yang jelas, akan punya keinginan tinggi untuk mengejar mimpi itu. sayangnya, as life goes, nggak semua dari kita bisa meraih mimpi itu. mungkin tertunda, mungkin harus melalui beberapa tahap, mungkin juga mimpi kita tidak sesuai dengan kemampuan kita. nah kemampuan disini bisa berarti mental atau materiil. secara mental, mungkin pekerjaan itu tidak pas untuk karakter kita dan mungkin juga kita tidak punya cukup nyali untuk mengejarnya.

saya punya beberapa teman yang ketika lulus memutuskan untuk bekerja mandiri, atau freelance. kalau boleh jujur, saya dulu menganggap mereka cukup idealis dan tidak yakin mereka bisa bertahan dengan hidup yang tidak pasti. namun lama-kelamaan saya bisa melihat kelebihan dari pekerjaan lepas. tentu saja, seperti kata seorang teman yang sangat dekat, kalau seseorang memutuskan untuk freelance, maka dia antara punya orangtua yang bermodal (alias keuangan yang sangat stabil alias penghasilan yang sangat berlebih) atau nekat.

ya, sebagai pekerja kreatif, bekerja lepas mungkin sebuah option yang baik. pertama, we’re our own boss, selain dari bekerja untuk kepuasan klien. tidak dicampuri oleh keinginan atasan (bukan klien). kedua, kita dibayar selayaknya, dibandingkan kerja tetap. namun di sisi lain, ketidakpastian order yang datang adalah resiko yang harus ditanggung. nah, dalam ketidakpastian ini kepada siapa kita bisa berpaling? mereka yang punya orangtua bermodal, adalah yang paling beruntung.

Steve Jobs, CEO dari Pixar, co-founder dari Apple, bilang bahwa kita harus melepaskan dogma yang melekat di pikiran. keluar dari garis aman, dan kejar mimpi kita. Well, I don’t have that kind of luxury. ga ada yang salah sih. Untuk beberapa orang, ada rasa secure yang harus diraih dulu. yaitu pekerjaan tetap. if we have the stable job, then there’s a cash flow, and there’s more money to have, so we can build something. Mereka yang sudah punya modal itu, bisa langsung tancap gas. mereka punya rasa secure itu, maka mereka berani untuk ambil langkah. Read more…